


He Had It Coming

by Piano_Padawan



Series: Star Wars Song Parodies [1]
Category: Chicago (2002), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Cell Block Tango, Chicago, Could be interpreted as past Kylux, Crack, Gingerpilot, Humor, M/M, Mentions of Kylo Ren, Musical, Stormtrooper show choir
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 07:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18823753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piano_Padawan/pseuds/Piano_Padawan
Summary: "And now, General Armitage Hux of the First Order, in his rendition of The Cell Block Tango..."Hux has been captured by the Resistance. After much planning, he has an escape plot which may or may not involve captivating Commander Poe Dameron with a musical number and gloveless hands. Poe may or may not actually find it appealing.Song parody of "The Cell Block Tango" from Chicago which arose from a short Tumblr post I made a while back. GingerPilot with a bit of past Kylux. Very cracky.





	He Had It Coming

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Chicago, Star Wars, or anything associated with the two. All copyrighted material, including but not limited to song lyrics from "The Cell Block Tango", is intended to be used for transformative purposes, specifically parody.
> 
> So, this has got to be the weirdest parody I've written and I've written some very weird parodies, but I couldn't move on with life until I got this weird image of Hux singing "The Cell Block Tango" out of my head. Hope it's funny.

No one had said that General Hux was going to be a fun prisoner. Being confined in a jail cell with no company other than the “loathsome Resistance” hadn’t exactly improved his already sour mood, and though his weapons had been confiscated, the guards had soon found out the hard way that the general had very sharp teeth and nails. He also had an acumen for lowering a person’s happiness and self-esteem by 50% after 50-second conversation. He had no concept of an “inside voice”, nor did he have any concept of healthy sleep cycles. Consequently, his incensed shouting reverberated throughout the base day and night.

For all of these reasons, Hux was very not popular company at the Resistance base. Half of the prison guards had quit within six hours, the other half, within eight hours, leaving the task of guarding the First Order prisoners to a few reluctant volunteers. With time, the volunteer pool had also thinned until the task was limited to one unfortunate soul.

Poe didn’t think it was at all fair that he now had full-time guard duty on top of everything else on the agenda. But the Resistance had decided he was responsible, since he had been the one to capture Hux in the first place. It wasn’t as if he’d planned to make their lives more difficult by bringing Hux back. It had seemed strategic at the time. Surely, the general had information that would help them win the war. The prospect of all the “General Hugs” jokes just waiting to be made in-person was an added bonus. So, Poe had stunned Hux the moment he’d seen him at a chance meeting in a Coruscant coffee shop.

Well, so far Hux hadn’t given any valuable information. It seemed that any coherent strategy the First Order had possessed had disintegrated under Kylo Ren’s leadership, so there was really nothing useful going on to reveal. Every time talk of an execution arose, Hux would stare from across the room with the saddest rabid cur eyes Poe had ever seen, and no one had the heart to discuss the subject any farther. It was strange how something so feral and irritating could also look so adorable and pathetic at times.

So, Hux had remained in his cell alongside several captured Stormtroopers and officers who posed little danger beyond being a constant pain in the ass. Lately, however, Poe had noticed some strange things in the prison, noises and sounds with an uncanny rhythm. He wondered whether it was some kind of bizarre First Order communication. Perhaps they communicated with clicks like cicadas. (It wouldn’t have been the only thing the First Order had in common with cicadas, but that was another discussion altogether.)

Now, as Poe was on his way to deliver Hux’s dinner, he heard the noises again, tapping boots and rapping fingernails. The sounds were repetitive, perfectly synchronized in an oddly musical fashion.

Soon, the noise was not merely sounds but words. The whole prison echoed with a chant:

_“Hugs.”_

_“Six.”_

_“Squish.”_

_“Uh-uh.”_

_“Careful, Ren.”_

_“Force bond.”_

The chant grew in volume and intensity. Though the repertoire unnerved him, Poe had to admit it was pretty catchy. When he reached the basement, one of the Stormtroopers announced:

_“And now, General Armitage Hux of the First Order in his rendition of the Cell Block Tango.”_

When Poe reached the lower level, he found Hux, leaning against the bars of his cell, wearing no coat and no gloves, _with the top button of his shirt undone_. By Resistance standards, there was nothing unusual about this type of dress. But by Hux’s standards, it was the equivalent of a wearing a metal bikini. Poe wondered what was going on to make the general dress in such a scandalous fashion… not that he was complaining. He got a much better look of Hux’s figure without the coat… not that he would ever ogle the body of a First Order general… even if that general did happen to be a young, sexy redhead. There were just certain things that were hard to ignore…

The chant went on picking up speed.

_Hugs. Six. Squish. Uh-uh. Careful, Ren. Force bond._

_Hugs. Six. Squish. Uh-uh. Careful, Ren. Force bond._

Then, to Poe’s horror (and guilty fascination), the general began to sing, aided by his ensemble of backup singing Stormtroopers:

_He had it coming._

_He had it coming._

_He only had himself to blame._

_If you had been there._

_If you had seen it!_

_I bet you, you would have done the same!_

_Hugs! Six! Squish! Uh-uh! Careful, Ren! Force bond!_

_Hugs! Six! Squish Uh-uh! Careful, Ren! Force bond!_

The Stormtroopers’ singing died down as Hux mused aloud, apparently unaware of Poe’s presence:

_“You know how some scum have these annoying habits that make you want to shoot them down? Like... Poe. Poe, used to call me ‘Hugs’. No, not ‘Hux’, ‘Hugs’. So, I patch him through one day and I’m really anxious, trying to convince Snoke to spare my life after Starkiller Base, looking for a little bit of sympathy. And there’s Poe, sitting in his X-Wing, drinking a beer and saying, ‘I’m holding for General Hugs’. No, not ‘Hux’, ‘HUGS’! So, I said to him, I said, ‘YOU CALL ME HUGS ONE MORE TIME!’.”_ Hux sighed. _“And he did. So, I took control of the ventral cannons and I fired two warning shots… into his X-Wing.”_

Before Poe could intervene, Hux had already moved on to the refrain of his musical number.

_He had it coming._

_He had it coming._

_He couldn’t even get my name…_

_And then he mocked me…_

_About my mother!_

_I bet you, you would have done the same!_

Poe wasn’t sure if it was treasonous to be impressed by the spectacle. He had not expected the general to have musical talent. Hux’s screeching speeches were far from harmonious, and he always appeared to be quite stiff on the command bridge. Today, however, his voice was pitch-perfect, and his dancing had more than enough sass to keep the pilot captivated. His Stormtroopers also were much more well-coordinated in song and dance than they ever were taking aim on the battlefield.

As the refrain came to a close, Hux came back to the bars of his cell and proceeded with another monologue:

_“I met FN-2187 from the FN Corps on Starkiller Base about two years ago. He told me he had one single allegiance to the First Order with no prior signs of nonconformity, and we hit it off right away. So, I invited him to hang out with me and Phasma. We’d go to work, I’d kill some Rebels, he’d do some simulations. And then, I found out. ‘Single, allegiance’. Single, my ass! Not only was he a traitor, oh no. He had, six signs of nonconformity! One of those helmet color-code violators, you know… So, when we caught him again, I fixed him a drink, as usual. You know, some guys just can’t hold their tarine tea.”_

_He had it coming! He had it coming!_

_He stole a pilot and a TIE._

_He joined the rebels!_

_And now he rebels!_

_Never apologized for his lies!_

_“Now, I’m back from the interrogation chamber, carving up the Rebel fleet, minding my own business. In comes my rival, Kylo, in a jealous rage. ‘You’ve been screwing Poe Dameron!’ he says. He was crazy! And he kept on screaming, ‘YOU’VE BEEN SCREWING POE DAMERON!’. And then, he ran into my monomolecular blade. He ran into my monomolecular blade 10 times.”_

_If you’d been there!_

_If you’d seen it!_

_I bet you, you would have done the same!_

Poe was a little worried now for several reasons:

Firstly, the song was taking longer than he had anticipated, and Hux’s dinner was getting cold. Hux already threw a fit over the prison food when it was hot.

Secondly, he wasn’t sure how Kylo had discovered that he’d kissed Hux’s ungloved hand in the interrogation wing (after which point the general had blushed profusely and run screaming out of the room, such that the interrogation proceeded no farther). From what Finn had told him, kissing someone’s ungloved hand was the equivalent of “screwing someone” in the First Order.

Thirdly, he wasn’t sure how Kylo had managed to survive being stabbed ten times. Then again, after the incident with Luke on Crait and Leia’s apparent ability to fly through the void, there was something very odd about that whole family.

Fourthly, the fact that Hux hadn’t confessed to “screwing Poe Dameron”, at least by First Order standards, was a little disappointing. Had the hand kiss really been so forgettable?

Suddenly, the musical accompaniment provided by the Stormtroopers died down to a soft, classical style as Hux lamented in Arkanisian. From the little Arkanisian Poe understood from his 101-language course, the translation went something along the lines of:

_“How did I find myself here? They say that the Rebel Scum cruiser was only a distraction while I cut the fleet in half after another one of my ‘mad superweapon experiments’ self-destructed. But it’s not true. I’m innocent. I don’t know why the High Command says I did it. I tried to explain that my weapons are stable, but they didn’t understand me.”_

_“Yeah, but did you do it?”_ an imprisoned officer asked from another cell.

_“Uh-uh,”_ Hux said, shaking his head. _“Not guilty!”_

The Stormtrooper’s sang the refrain quietly in the background while Hux cleared his throat and delivered the next verse in basic:

_“The idiot Ren and I had this attack, and Supreme Leader Snoke would be very impressed by the way we killed people. Now, for the last offensive in our attack, we’d take down 20 Resistance ships in a row. One, two, three, four, blasts, split cruisers, ventral cannons, spin attacks, one right after the other. So, this one night, we’re meeting in the throne room, tracking the Rebel Scum through light speed. Tied on a string indeed, you know? And the Rebel Scum run out of fuel. So, I go out to kill them. I come back, go up the elevator, and there’s Supreme Leader Snoke on the floor, doing number seventeen, the split cruiser!_

_“Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I don’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later, when Kylo woke up from his nap that I fully realized OUR SUPREME LEADER IS DEAD! WE HAVE NO RULER!”_

_Ren has it coming._

_He has it coming._

_So, he had better watch his back._

_I didn’t do it._

_But I **will** do it._

_I’ll kill him one day and that’s a fact._

_He has it coming. He has it coming._

_He took a flower in its prime._

_And he Force-choked it._

_And he Force-threw it._

_It’ll be sweet revenge but not a crime._

_“I hate Ren more than I can possibly say. He’s a real emotional guy, Force-sensitive, a calligrapher. And he’s always trying to find himself. He’d go out every night, torn apart, looking for himself. And on the way, he found Rey, and the Force bond, and a potential redemption arc. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as the emotionally conflicted, redeemable villain, and I saw him DEAD.”_

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…_

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…_

_They had it coming!_

_They had it coming!_

_They had it coming all along!_

_‘Cause if they mocked me._

_And they attacked me?_

_How could you tell me that I was wrong?!_

_He has it coming!_

_Ren has it coming!_

_He only has himself to blame!_

_I haven’t done it._

_But just wait for it!_

_One day, I’ll see him dead, all the same!_

The instrumental score began to fade away. Where the Stormtroopers had found a full jazz orchestra in prison bewildered Poe, but so long as they only used it for musical numbers, he didn’t see anything wrong with them having it. As the song drew to a close, Hux withdrew to the back of his cell, muttering to himself:

_“You call me ‘Hugs’, one more time!”_

_“Single allegiance, my ass…”_

_“Ten times!”_

_“My weapons are completely stable…”_

_“Number seventeen – the split cruiser.”_

_“Artistic differences…”_

_Hugs._

_Six._

_Squish._

_Uh-uh._

_Careful, Ren._

_Force bond._

Sensing that Hux’s song was finally over, Poe stepped forward and knocked on the bars of the general’s cell. Hux glared at him from across the cell and (to Poe’s disappointment) slipped his gloves back and coat back on before coming to the door.

“Hey, Hugs,” Poe said.

“Hux,” the general corrected him. “For the last kriffing time.”

“Whatever, Hugs,” Poe replied. “I brought you food. Sorry it’s cold. I just didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Interrupt what, Dameron?” Hux snapped.

At first, Poe assumed the question was rhetorical. Surely, Hux must have realized he was watching somewhere into the performance and had chosen to continue anyway (and Poe was happy that he had). It was only after a long, awkward stretch of silence with Hux scowling back at him, waiting for an answer, that Poe realized the general was actually unaware of his audience.

Perhaps Poe had imagined the whole thing. If he had, he would have to have a word with General Organa about what had gotten into the water supply that would make him hallucinate a cabaret-style spectacle of dancing Stormtroopers starring General Hux.

Hux would surely deny doing any such thing if Poe questioned him, and the rest of the Resistance would probably think they’re commander had gone mad if he told them. Worse still, _if_ the “Cell Block Tango” hadn’t been a hallucination, Hux would certainly never perform it again if he knew he was being watched, and, though he felt guilty admitting it, Poe _wanted_ to see it again. He wasn’t sure if it was normal to be turned on by a maniac with exposed wrists dancing and singing about his murderous plans, but it was what it was. So, Poe decided not to breach the subject.

“I don’t know,” Poe said with a shrug. “It’s late. I thought you might be sleeping and didn’t want to interrupt you if you were.”

“I don’t sleep, Dameron.” Hux narrowed his eyes. “I haven’t slept in thirty-four years.”

“Well, maybe you should try it,” Poe said, passing the food through the bars. “It might improve your mood. Anyway. I’d better get back to work, so no time to chat. Enjoy the food. Bye, _Hugs_.”

Hux’s curses echoed after Poe as he ascended the stairs.

 

Later that night, Hux leaned back against the small cot in his cell, deep in thought. He was close to getting out of this horrid Rebel base. He could feel it. He only needed to find a way, a weakness in the security. And if the look of awe on Dameron’s face during the evening’s performance was any indication, it seemed that he had found that weakness.

The performing arts were a powerful weapon, and if properly executed, Dameron could be manipulated by the First Order siren into aiding his escape and perhaps even aiding in the coup against Ren. It sounded like quite the romantic fantasy to Hux. To think that the old Imperials had said that his show choir training at the academy was useless!

Well, if he was to execute such a plan, he was going to need a few things. He was already plotting new songs to learn, new dance moves to master, and new, shorter-sleeved outfits to wear. Hux smiled at the thought, a slight curling of the lips that made him look more like he was in excruciating pain than a state of joy.

If all went well, Ren and the Resistance had it coming indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos if you enjoyed this are appreciated.


End file.
